Corporate Blawg UK

Anonymous Lawyer becomes hard copy

Corporate Blawg is delighted to freely advertise the publication of the first BLAWG-BOOK. Having received Anonymous Lawyer from Jeremy Blachman's publisher, Corporate Blawg built a bonfire and set to work stabbing marshmallows with an ice pick. Whilst incinerating his socks by an open fire, Corporate Blawg dipped into Anonymous Lawyer and found it rather pleasing. It's about the machiavellian practices and mishaps of hiring partner in the corporate department of a U.S. law firm.

Whatsmore, Corporate Blawg discovered that the blog, from which the book originated, is far more popular and successful than Corporate Blawg UK will ever be.

Content to being the Koala Cola to Jeremy's Pepsi, Corporate Blawg entertained the notion of interviewing said Jeremy for his thoughts and views on life, authorship and gin-palaces. After a brief email, a bribe, and a death-threat, Jeremy agreed to be interviewed, and the product of that interview is hence:

Why are their no mice, let alone nine mice, in Anonymouse Lawyer?

Mice couldn't survive at a law firm. No living creature can.

Sorry, bit of a daft question that last one, what is the best question you've ever been asked in an interview?

Here's my best interview story -- during the first year of law school, I interviewed for a summer job with the U.S. Department of Justice, Immigration Division. It was a phone interview, I didn't really know anything about immigration, I didn't know what kinds of things the division did.... apparently they saw on my resume that I had written songs for a theater group in college, and for whatever reason they asked me what the connection was between the songwriting and my desire to work in immigration law. I'm still not sure what the right answer to that question is. I suppose the right answer would have been "nothing, they're completely separate." But I couldn't tell over the phone what they were looking for ...and so I panicked and tried to give them a real answer, and said, "Well, music can help make people feel better... and I suppose regarding the immigration division, not getting deported can make people feel better too." Needless to say, I did not get the job.

How do you intend to make up the damage you have done to the reputation of corporate lawyers?

Damage? I'm probably helping them. If I was a client looking for a law firm, I'd be thrilled to find a firm where the associates work as hard as the associates in the book, and where even the smallest tasks are attended to with fear of the consequences of making a mistake.

No, really, what are you going to do? Corporate Blawg thinks you should set up a fund with your royalties for promoting the strong moral values of corporate law practitioners. What do you think about that?

I think my publisher offers a bulk rate for any firm that wants to buy a copy of the book for everyone in the office. That's my way of giving back. I'm also helping justify the decisions of the thousands of people who thought about becoming lawyers but decided not to. Maybe I'll start a fund to help those people -- the ones left earning low salaries doing work they love because they resisted the call of the firm.

Do you think it is worrying that lawyers call their work "practice"?

Not as worrying as for doctors. At least the worst a lawyer can do is make someone end up in prison.

If you get lots of royalties are you going to buy a royal tea-pot?

If I get lots of royalties, I'll celebrate with something stronger than tea.

Do you get laid more now you've published a book?

Do you since starting a weblog?

No, I'm married.  I always figured that book writers had "cool creds", whereas techno-geeks didn't get it, ever.

I'm not sure it's really one of the perks of being a writer. A pop star, sure. But a writer?

When you buy a gin-palace with the film-rights, and go cruising round the St Tropez with 5 playmates, can Corporate Blawg (and his wife) come too?

Absolutely:)

The New York Post apparently said that "Anonymous Lawyer has pierced the heart of a moment in our social history". As that moment now lies bleeding on the floor, rasping for air like a fish on a beach about to have its neck crushed by a rock, Corporate Blawg recommends you read Anonymous Lawyer so you too can get involved. 

Corporate Blawg thanks Jeremy for his time in answering his questions, and the free copy of his enjoyable and amusing novel.

Resist the Tagging enemy

Corporate Blawg has been meta-tagged by The Landlord Law Blog and The Barristers Blog.  Not feeling much weight to pander to this chainmale equivalent on the net, nor independent enough to resist partaking in a harmless game to link blogs to blogs and share the net, he has succumbed, so here are 5 (five) of the least interesting things about Corporate Blawg:

1. The average human body consists of 100 trillion (million million) cells.  10 trillion of these makes up the body, and 90 trillion are bacteria.  Since Corporate Blawg is developing his 'paunch' (for gravitas purposes) and ate a rather nasty donor on Saturday (to further his paunch) Corporate Blawg has approximately 300 trillion cells, but 285 trillion of these are bacteria.

2. Corporate Blawg once met Cherie Blair/Booth in person, and was shocked by how sexy she was.  After withdrawing his sweaty hand from her soft and elegant paw, Corporate Blawg decided that he had been seduced by her L'eau De Power.

3. Corporate Blawg's favourite T-shirt says "Human Being not Human Doing"

4. Corporate Blawg's last birthday party was a fancy dress party on a boat on the Thames, the theme was 007 - James Bond, and Corporate Blawg went as this.  Think Blofeld's accessory.

5. Corporate Blawg is going to the Galapagos Islands with his wife in September and is more excited about this than (a) the second coming, (b) discovering life in space, and (c) Big Brother being banned from our airwaves.

Okay, so the next part of the game is to meta-tag 5 other blogs to tell 5 interesting things about themselves.  Corporate Blawg chooses: The Magistrates Blog, My Daily Fatwa, The Blawg Review, Kierkegard Lives, and... must resist... baaah baaah (trans-ethnic sheep). AH-HA - DON'T DO IT - REBEL AGAINST INSIDIOUSLY COHESIVE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES! BE FREE! RUN TO THE HILLS! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!...

and Blawg's Blog.

Industry Trawl Leads to the Secret of Happiness

Corporate Blawg is a well-rounded individual, and not just in stature.  Clients do not want a young spunky solicitor to be solely focussed on paper trails, puppy dogs tales and disclosure requirements.  They want a balanced, healthy, best-living dialectic that uses an industry commodity of knowledge to their best logical advantage.
          It is in this vane, flapping in the wind, spurting from the aorta, that Corporate Blawg has indulged in the intricacies of the health sector, as one of his many pet-interests.  In his diverse practice Corporate Blawg has provided bountiful advice to all heights of the NHS, all host of private healthcare providers and to a raft of buoyant biotech and pharmaceutical megaliths.  Accordingly, Corporate Blawg regularly undertakes a market-review during which he spends several modicums looking at these particular industries.  And so, Corporate Blawg has discovered the following two gems published in the research pages of the most recent edition of the British Medical Journal:
           The first is a report on research carried out by Gloucestershire Royal NHS Foundation Trust on "Sword swallowing and its side effects".  The ground-breaking research states that:

"Sword swallowers know their occupation is dangerous."

The report describes in graphic detail the horrors of this "entertainment".  Following his reading of said research Corporate Blawg wishes to set up a pressure group to prevent this disgusting and inhumane act from being part of the "entertainment" encouraged by circuses and practiced amongst teenagers:

"Some respondents swallowed a sword easily, but mastery for most required daily practice over months or years. The gag reflex is desensitised, sometimes by repeatedly putting fingers down the throat, but other objects are used including spoons, paint brushes, knitting needles, and plastic tubes before the swallower commonly progresses to a bent wire coat hanger."

          The second report on research, that is particularly worthy of note to non-medics, is titled Why Danes are smug: comparative study of life satisfaction in the European Union. This inspired research investigates whether the (uninspiring) comfort food of the Danes is contributory to their happiness, or whether such happines is due to the large percentage of blondes in the populace (a hypothesis dispelled by comparison with the Swedish). Ultimately, the research concludes that the reason the Danes are so smug is that:

"Danes have consistently low (and indubitably realistic) expectations for the year to come. Year after year they are pleasantly surprised to find that not everything is getting more rotten in the state of Denmark."

          So there we go - the trick to happiness is to lower your expectations (which may be why Corporate Blawg is always so happy with off-the-bone chicken from KFC until chicken juice splurts down his new coat).  The lesson here for lawyers is in the way we deal with our clients, especially where fee estimates are either too high, or overshot.  In order to manage expectations, just a little more value needs to be delivered, and a few less trans-fats.
          Corporate Blawg hopes that he has also disseminated the value of generally keeping abreast of new developments in client's industries.  Such abreastation (new word) of personal interests not-only improves one's practice in those areas but also increases one's enjoyment of the daily working life! Hoorah for the new year.

Blogging Good New Year!

At this happy time of year, New Year draws near, and Corporate Blawg hears that it's time to make some resolutions.  Aspirations that have been burning and the yearning for learning how to increase one's earning have not yet reached their absolution.  By pondering and wondering some sort of tortuous answer must be sought, ought not Corporate Blawg's staticity suffer oblution?  Alas 'tis now the manner how Corporate Blawg locates his Tao for bloggin' evolution:

Resolution 1: Post weekly, but strongly

Resolution 2: Continue to disseminate legal information to the general public via the medium of blogging and thereby provide a public service free of charge and free of liability (see Disclaimer) and only for the good of one's corporate soul

Resolution 3: Leave droll comments on other Blawgs so that other Bloggers may one day feel comfortable and confident enough to leave comments on this awe-inspiring "Blawg of Power" (do you get the impression that no one reads this blog?)

Resolution 4: Extraordinary and Special (s.378 of the Companies Act 1985)

Corporate Blawg apologises for the recent lack of anodyne corporate insights into the world of corporate, company and commercial law.  This interlude in intellectual analysis is interpreted in infinite illustrations, yet the most simplest way is to say, it's holiday time so Corporate Blawg is chilling out in his linguistical labyrinth.  Corporate Blawg will return to his usual depth of analysis, width of scope and brevity of waffle all in due course.  In the meantime, it's the New Year so live long and party! And may Bill Gates be with you.

Happy New Year Everyone!

New Statute Resource

Joining the revolution to the way legal information is disseminated, the Department for Constitutional Affairs have launched a UK Statute Law Database which contains search engines and is updated and everything.  This mighty force shall soon rival Butterworths with law students looking up rude words and finding new ways to get out of their parking fines. 

Also this new tool means that you, dear reader, can look up any statute referred to in this blog!  Happy days.

Thanks to Information Overlord for pointing out this new arrival to the internet, and freedom.

'Orrible office phrases

Is Corporate Blawg too sensitive, or does Corporate Blawg have a dirty mind?  Both probably.
             Either which way but inward, Corporate Blawg wishes to express that there are one or two phrases used in the office environment which on a hung-over morning such as this, Corporate Blawg would like to see expurgated.  Corporate Blawg finds that such expressions conjur up strange mental imagery which he does not approve of, especially today.  Let's see what they are: "touch base", "grab him", "finger him", "in bed together" or "sleeping with", "shafted", and "beasted".
             In a politically sensitive industry, which has not caught up with the current tide of post-feminist pseudo-modernism, Corporate Blawg finds that these phrases are odd when better phrases are available, like "update", "bring him", "allocate", "close relationship" and "worked hard". 
             A static believer in the slippery slope syndrome, Corporate Blawg suggests that unless such phrases are removed from common usage, the danger is that lazy analogies may become even more extreme, leading to common usage of terms by analogy such as "fist-ing" "rimming" "docking" and, as Corporate Blawg's dark and twisted friend at Taylor Wessing recently explained to him, "double-dragonning".
           Although the amusement factor is apparently high, this does not excuse the fact that such phrases are inappropriate and potentially perceived to be misogenistic.  On no account should these phrases be used in the work place, or within earshot of anyone generally who may take offence, because that would be f*cking stupid.

Two weekend poems

Because poetry on the internet works sooo well, Corporate Blawg has decided to post the following two poems to celebrate his cold this weekend.  No work be done here, only merriment in sickness:

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT PROPERTY LAW

Appeasements for easements the schooling is fooling that it's fun is this one I abhor;
Property is properly the medium of tedium it's a lesson in how to ignore...
The client who's reliant on paying my saying that I'll harry to carry out the chore,
Since learning an earning from filling a form is the norm of conveyancing's flaw.

CONTRACTUAL CONSIDERATIONS - A POEM OF REASON

It's not unfeasible for a word like "unreasonable" as decoration for a peroration of law;
None knows what it means but a youth in his teens whose mindings for findings we bore;
And the judge knows no better than to smudge and to fetter to screw you cos who's keeping score?
This word is absurd with a meaning so blurred it's unreasonablly reasonable for sure.

Your good health...

One legal maxim

Corporate Blawg is mega-busy with client work this week.  However, in time honoured tradition, he finds a legal maxim to be his raison d'etre - his current view, for now:

To write is to act

The lawyer's condition.

Law Society in credit card shame

Corporate Blawg UK wishes to begin a campaign against the Law Society for bringing the profession into disrepute.  Yesterday Corporate Blawg received information about applying for a Law Society credit card (13.9% APR).  Slightly off theme, but what the f**k is the Law Society doing by issuing a credit card?

1. Is the Law Society a bank?  Not last time Corporate Blawg bought a pint there.
2. Is the Law Society a profit-making organisation?  The shop never seems to do very well, but no, essentially.
3. Should the Law Society profit from lawyers in financial difficulty?  Tricky one...
4. Does the Law Society get enough money from lawyers without providing any tangible benefits? Most definitely yes.

Let's try some other questions:

5. Do credit cards encourage personal debt? Yes.
6. Is personal debt depressing and miserable, leading to more debt?  That's what I've heard.
7. Would prospective bankruptcy make a lawyer more likely to commit a crime? Would have thought so.
8. Does the Law Society aim to uphold the reputation of the profession?  I think so - but it so often misses the mark, like now.

Corporate Blawg anticipates that the Law Society will soon open a debt recovery advisory bureau or some other cynical attempt at pretending to sit on the fence.  Whoever came up with this idiotic income-generating idea should ask the wizard for a brain.

          Is this overreacting? Corporate Blawg thinks he should leave the profession alone and go back to thinking about corporate law, which makes him happy.

A Musing

Corporate Blawg was pondering in the hazy mists between drafting a US$ 2.5billion restructuring agreement, and amending some poorly worded Standard T's and C's for a shoe company:

• If Corporate Blawg was a mega-don of law he would be a Law Lord.
• If Corporate Blawg was a legend of military law he would be an expert in War Law.
• So what is a mega-don legendary expert of military law? 
• Is it a "War Law Law Lord"? 
• Or do two laws cancel each other out and make a "War Lord"?

• 

The appropriate response is not "haw haw".